Memories are engraved in our minds and sometimes those memories are so vivid that their significance is intensified. September 2, 1999, was one of those days where my memory is so intensified that it will be part of me forever.
But, let’s back-track a little. I was in my second year of college at Snow and was a member of the Institute Committee. We had a Friday Forum early the next day and we had been making plans for an upcoming activity. I had chosen to live at home that semester, why I didn’t know, I just knew it was the right thing to do. I was on my way to graduation in December and was just enjoying life. I had started a job at Norm’s Dollar Discount at the beginning of the semester to help pay for my schooling and my gas back and forth to school. I was planning to graduate from Snow and move to Logan to attend school at Utah State that next Spring. I was part of the western dance committee and my friends and I would attend the western dances in Pleasant Grove on Saturday nights. My weekend was all planned out. We were enjoying our time planning our activities and the hour was growing late. I didn’t have to work that evening, so I decided to crash on the couch at my friends’ apartment for the night to save a little money on fuel. I called home to let my parents know. They weren’t happy that I had chosen to stay, but I honestly didn’t want to be home either. Dad was getting ready to go on a weekend get-away with the HOG group and things were just blah and I hated the feeling in the house. Home was the last place I wanted to be. I knew I had work right after school tomorrow, so I wouldn’t get home until late and that’s the way I wanted it to be.
The next morning, I went about my regular routine, classes and our Friday Forum, then I headed to the gas station to grab something to eat before I headed for work. Mom & Dad always liked me to call before I left so they knew I was on my way. When I called to let them know I was headed down the canyon for work I remember I could hear Dad in the background telling me goodbye. Down the canyon, I went to work eating my gas station lunch as I drove.
I remember stocking shelves that day with some new figurines we had gotten in. There was always dusting and tidying up displays that needed to be done. I had just learned to run the cash register confidently; it was one of the old ones that would cha-ching when you entered the sale. I was helping a customer when my manager hollered down to me that I had a phone call. It was my Aunt Stacy letting me know I needed to come home immediately, there had been an accident. A million things went racing through my mind as I hung up the phone and yelled up to Alice- she hollered back, just go, sweetie. I grabbed my things and raced out the door. Parking for employees was back behind the bank and I remember it was raining. It felt like each step I splashed into the puddles was in slow motion as I ran the ½ block down the main street and around to the back of the bank to my car. I was shaking so bad I didn’t know if I would be able to drive across the ridge. I remember saying a little prayer that everything would be okay and to please help me get home. In the chaos that raced across my mind I heard a voice as if someone was sitting beside me tell me “Heather, your Dad is gone but have no fear I am with you and I will take you safely home, if you will be brave everything will be okay” I only remember one part of my drive home, besides the fact that I was balling, I passed my first Young Women’s leader, Sheree on the ridge and I again felt comfort, and just a little bravery to calm my tears.
When I pulled into the driveway my Uncle Stony was standing on the porch dressed in his white shirt and tie ready to greet me with open arms. I don’t know if he knew that I already knew that my Dad was gone, but I do remember his embrace brought me so much comfort. Strangely the hours following that moment are a blur to me. I know I was surrounded by family and there was great sadness and fear of the future, but I felt a strange sense of peace through it all.
As I reflect upon that one moment in my car when I was promised that everything would be okay, I can come up with a million times over the past 20 years that it has not been okay that my dad is gone; however, I have also received great peace in those moments when I know he is standing beside me. I know that he is there for me more than he ever could have been in his mortal body. There are days I wish he was here to tease my kids, to teach them about the garden, how to make bread, or tell them crazy funny stories (some of which I am finding out as I grow older were true, while others that I believed were true were just made-up).
After 20 years I can honestly say I can’t remember the sound of his voice, but if I heard it I would know it was him. I remember how he looked but can’t remember exactly how tall he was. I have let my memory let go of the bad things and have learned to find joy in the good times we shared. His life has become a happy memory to my soul that I have learned how to share with my children so that they can know him. After 20 years I have moments that I think of him and a happy tear rolls down my cheek, or a moment when he should be here that I shed tears of sadness; however, that sadness is immediately replaced by peace, and that promise that everything will be okay replaces the sadness.
In that peace, I have discovered that he is watching me through the eyes of my children. His teasing is there in their personalities and I have felt him sitting beside me giving me that extra strength and comfort in times when I most needed my Dad. I know his work on the other side of the veil is so important and he was called home to finish fulfill his mission. I know that without a doubt he is proud of the life that I have been brave enough to live without him, and I know that one day the reunion in heaven will be filled with joy.
I know that every member of my family has a different experience of that dreadful, rainy day and that the impact of life without my Dad is different for each and every one of us. I only hope that they have found a peace that is stronger than the sadness that causes the rolling tears.
A poem about Dad:
Twenty Years seems like forever as I look back
Yet, it seems like just yesterday I heard you laugh
Oh, the things you missed without being here
Yet I can often feel your presence, oh so near
Each smiling tear that falls down my face
Is often of a fond memory at a familiar place
There are still some sad tears too,
But you know, and there’s comfort sent straight from you
I have found joy and bravery along the way
So, I try to live my life to be with you someday
Although twenty years you’ve been gone from this mortal state
I have found peace and understanding in your fate
I’m glad you are still there to comfort me when weak
And, I’m thankful that God listens when help we seek
I know that you are there, right by my side
And I know forever with me you’ll abide
I love and miss you so much, Dad
But today I choose joy, not to be sad!
